This just in: God Warns GOP of “The Fire Next Time”

A press release from the Executive Office of the Most High.





Breaking His long silence on partisan politics, God today linked the weather problems that have forced the cancellation of the first day of the Republican National Convention to divine displeasure with GOP positions and what He called the “abominable blasphemy” of linking His name to policies in direct violation of His word.

“I promised Noah I would never again flood the entire world,” said the Creator of Heaven and Earth. “But that doesn’t mean I can’t send a hurricane wherever that Limb of Satan called the Republican Party plans to meet. I did it four years ago, and hoped they’d get the message. But their hearts are harder than Pharaoh’s, so now I’m spelling it out for them. And if water doesn’t work, there’s always fire: ask the Men of Sodom what happens to those who oppress the stranger and the poor.”

Elohim pointed out that His position on maltreating immigrants and low-income people had been made explicit in both the Book of Deuteronomy and the Sermon on the Mount. “What part of ‘The stranger among you shall you not oppress’ would you like me to explain more slowly? Is it some sort of mystery that I insist that the poor be fed and clothed? Or that I insist that My worship take precedence over the idolatry of Mammon, the Money-God?” said The Man Upstairs.

“And as to persecuting those whom I, in My wisdom, have made to love those of their own sex,” said the Lord of Hosts, “let Me point you to the words of My servant David, who found that Jonathan’s love for him was sweet, surpassing the love of women.” Addressing the religious leaders, both Christian and Jewish, who have joined the Republican coalition, he added “If you clowns would stop thumping your damned Bibles for a minute, maybe you’d have a chance to read them instead.”

God will not be taking questions on His stance, referring all reporters to His published Word, the Holy Bible. He quoted a maxim somehow excluded from the Book of Proverbs: “As the tech support people say, read the f*cking manual.”



Author: Mark Kleiman

Professor of Public Policy at the NYU Marron Institute for Urban Management and editor of the Journal of Drug Policy Analysis. Teaches about the methods of policy analysis about drug abuse control and crime control policy, working out the implications of two principles: that swift and certain sanctions don't have to be severe to be effective, and that well-designed threats usually don't have to be carried out. Books: Drugs and Drug Policy: What Everyone Needs to Know (with Jonathan Caulkins and Angela Hawken) When Brute Force Fails: How to Have Less Crime and Less Punishment (Princeton, 2009; named one of the "books of the year" by The Economist Against Excess: Drug Policy for Results (Basic, 1993) Marijuana: Costs of Abuse, Costs of Control (Greenwood, 1989) UCLA Homepage Curriculum Vitae Contact:

19 thoughts on “This just in: God Warns GOP of “The Fire Next Time””

  1. I’ve been thinking this same thing all day, although not in nearly such eloquent terms, and I was thoroughly delighted to see Mark Kleiman’s post. Amen from me, too.

  2. If this was the dems convention then Pat Robertson would be spewing his trademark asinine comments about God’s vengeance right about now.

    1. And Jon Stewart’s excellent verbal smackdown would still apply: “Shut your pie-hole, old man!”

  3. since we’re talking about reading “the f*cking manual” and about Sodom, let’s read the whole manual and not take isolated passages out of context. Yes, David was loved by Jonathan but no indication that it was in a sexual manner. You know it is possible to love someone of the same sex and it have nothing to do with sex. Agape love, check it out. On the other hand, one of the sins of Sodom and Gomorrah for which God struck those cities with fire was the sin of homosexuality. It’s pretty clear from the entirety of scripture that far from condoning homosexual sex, God despises it. Just sayin’

    1. It’s pretty clear from the Bible that God despises pretty much everything humans get up to, heterosexual sex and lust, lust for money and power, neglect of the less fortunate, you name it. As the great theologian Timothy Lovejoy said, “Have you ever read this thing? Practically everything’s a sin. Technically, we’re not allowed to go to the bathroom.”

      Nevertheless, the Bible also makes it clear that God loves us despite our flaws. This works as theology – at least in my opinion – because of grace, forgiveness and atonement, among other things, all crucial elements to believers whether they be Christian, Jewish or Muslim. Civil laws cannot be so forgiving, therefore it is very dangerous to enshrine in civil law moral absolutes that all of us will fall short of, all the time. Which is one reason why civil law allows divorce and doesn’t criminalize lust, greed or selfishness. (It’s also one reason why countries that try to enforce a wider range of immoral acts condemned in Deuteronomy and Leviticus are horrible places to live – even in the view of most US conservatives – and the line between the condemned and the “righteous” is determined not by principles of justice, but by raw power snd rank hypocrisy.)

      1. Romans 1:26-27 – “because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed shameful acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their error.”

        Suck it.

    2. The Bible says very little about any kind of homosexuality, and those parts that aren’t part of the law that Christians take to be superseded by Christ are deeply ambiguous. It does, however, say a LOT about sex outside of marriage. Paul’s “It is better to marry than to burn” has always struck me as a really good reason why Christians should favor gay marriage.

      1. It does say a lot about sex outside of marriage. Much of it was ambiguous: Jacob’s boning of Tamar, and Lot’s daughters, and Rahab’s profession. Oh, and old King Sol, and the Queen of Sheba. Since I found that the Gospels are the only readable part of the goyische Bible, I can’t say much about sex out of marriage there, although Jesus was pretty clearly dead-set against divorce. (Revelation is wondrous stoner lit, but I wouldn’t call it “readable.”)

        The Bible is a pretty bad tech manual. It needs to be edited for consistency.

        1. Also Abraham twice introduced his beautiful wife Sarah to enemy tribal chiefs with “She’s not my wife, she’s my sister.” Both times Abraham somehow avoided war and received substantial gifts from the person who understood that Abraham had a beautiful sister.

    3. In the interest of not taking passages out of context, perhaps we should look at what scripture itself says about Sodom.

      “Behold, this was the guilt of your sister Sodom: she and her daughters had pride, excess of food, and prosperous ease, but did not aid the poor and needy.” Ezekiel 16:49

      Pride, greedy, didn’t take care of the poor, check. Nope, no homosexuality on that list.

      “And if anyone will not receive you or listen to your words, shake off the dust from your feet when you leave that house or town. Truly, I say to you, it will be more bearable on the day of judgment for the land of Sodom and Gomorrah than for that town.” Matthew 10:14

      Inhospitality and not listening to God’s words, check. Still no homosexuality.

      Every single verse in the Bible that even mentions homosexual sex in any context whatsoever (all, what, 7 of them? out of how many thousands of other verses talking about other things?) are all about idolatry and foreign temple practices, or refer to specific exploitative sexual practices (like men having sex with young boys) that were happening at the time of the writing.

      You cannot look at the verses which demonstrate homosexual sex being misused and conclude that God despises the practice altogether…unless you are willing to do that with heterosexual sex as well. Or lending money at interest. Now there’s a practice God clearly despises, for it is never presented in a favorable light in the Bible. Except, clearly, it can work just fine as long as it is not used to exploit and hurt people. Kinda like sex.

      1. Or here’s the Pirke Avot (5:13):

        He who says, “What is mine is mine and what is yours is yours”–this is the common type, though some say that this is the type of Sodom.

        The previous section of the same text attributes pestilence to cheating the poor of the support due them.

        No mention of hurricanes, though.

  4. Well, one of my ancestors had a chickpeas & lamb shop in Gomorrah. He was devout (& straight, as chance would have it) and we’re still pissed about the fire thing.

  5. Well, looks as if Pat Robertson and his friends prayed the hurricane away from Tampa, sparing the both the Republican convention site and Kitty McTitty’s Boom Boom Room. Which one of these deliverances is a sign of divine favor? That is left as an exercise for the observer.

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