The plot unmasked

John Hawkins of Right Wing(nut) News has it figured out; liberals are denouncing the “stab-in-the-back” legend now developing about the War in Iraq because we’re all part of a vast conspiracy to stab the country in the back.

My post on the attempt by the New Right to create a Stab-in-the-Back legend around the war in Iraq struck a nerve. John Hawkins at Right Wing(nut) News, evidently a man of unusual penetration, has detected the underlying plot:

I suspect that this is really about what’s going to happen if people like Kleiman, Yglesias, Murtha, Reid, Obama, etc., successfully manage to throw the war in Iraq to Al-Qaeda because they think it will benefit the Democrats in the next election.

The price of their “success,” which they believe would help them at the ballot box, would be a huge victory for Al-Qaeda, a likely genocide in Iraq, the emboldening of America’s enemies, and host of other horrors that can still be avoided if we stay the course until the Iraqis can defend themselves.

In other words, the reason they’re trying to make the phrase “stabbed in the back” beyond the pale is because they’re engaged in stabbing — America, the troops, and Iraqi people who believe in Democracy — in the back for political purposes and they don’t want to be called on it.

Right. It’s a conspiracy.

What Hawkins doesn’t know is that Yglesias, Murtha, Reid, and Obama all take orders from me. (I get mine directly from the Elders of Zion.) And we’re so devilishly clever that only Obama, of those named, opposed the war in the first place. And I’m so extra-specially devious that I even supported the “surge” (as originally proposed, not the permanent escalation now in progress) as a long-shot bet to salvage something other than defeat from the appallingly bad position into which Bush and his cronies have maneuvered the country.

The deepest, darkest secret — one that even Hawkins has not yet discovered — is that Bush and Cheney work for me. (That is, Cheney takes orders from me and transmits them to Bush, in words of one syllable.)

Ten years ago, the Elders and I decided to wreck the Republican Party and the pseudo-conservative “God-and-Mammon” coalition that supports it by installing in power the most astonishingly corrupt and incompetent administration in American history. And the plot is working brilliantly.

Unfortunately, now that I’ve told you, I’ll have to kill you.

Update Naturally, the confession above is actually a cover-up of the real plot. Alas, Oliver Willis can’t keep his trap shut.

Author: Mark Kleiman

Professor of Public Policy at the NYU Marron Institute for Urban Management and editor of the Journal of Drug Policy Analysis. Teaches about the methods of policy analysis about drug abuse control and crime control policy, working out the implications of two principles: that swift and certain sanctions don't have to be severe to be effective, and that well-designed threats usually don't have to be carried out. Books: Drugs and Drug Policy: What Everyone Needs to Know (with Jonathan Caulkins and Angela Hawken) When Brute Force Fails: How to Have Less Crime and Less Punishment (Princeton, 2009; named one of the "books of the year" by The Economist Against Excess: Drug Policy for Results (Basic, 1993) Marijuana: Costs of Abuse, Costs of Control (Greenwood, 1989) UCLA Homepage Curriculum Vitae Contact: Markarkleiman-at-gmail.com