My House, my rules

I have decided to accept the Speakership.
But I will do so under some new rules.

Responding to the desperate pleas of the House Republican Caucus, seeing clearly my patriotic duty, in the spirit of bipartisanship, after prayerful consideration and consultation with my family, and with great reluctance and a profound sense of my own unworthiness, I have decided to accept the Speakership.

Any new Speaker will want to make new rules, designed to rescue the House from the nearly universal contempt into which it has been brought since January 2011.

So here they are:

1. Every Member seeking recognition to speak shall first put on a clown nose.
2. To enable longer “District Work Periods,” the House shall not be in session except on weekends.
3. In the interests of transparency, members of the majority party shall remain naked at all times.
4. In any speech supporting the use of torture, each sentence must end with the word “Clarisse.”
5. No Member who has not been sterilized shall offer a bill restricting access to birth control.
6. Citizens visiting the House Galleries retain their Constitutional right to keep and bear arms.
7. Majority-party members of committees probing phony scandals shall wear the Lidless Eye of Mordor.
8. No Member currently in an adulterous relationship shall also abuse alcohol or other drugs, or take bribes.
9. Any speech citing the Bible or claiming its authority must do so in the original Greek or Hebrew.

Footnote  Of course, every movement needs a hashtag. This movement has two:

#KleimanForSpeaker #NewRulesOfTheHouse



Author: Mark Kleiman

Professor of Public Policy at the NYU Marron Institute for Urban Management and editor of the Journal of Drug Policy Analysis. Teaches about the methods of policy analysis about drug abuse control and crime control policy, working out the implications of two principles: that swift and certain sanctions don't have to be severe to be effective, and that well-designed threats usually don't have to be carried out. Books: Drugs and Drug Policy: What Everyone Needs to Know (with Jonathan Caulkins and Angela Hawken) When Brute Force Fails: How to Have Less Crime and Less Punishment (Princeton, 2009; named one of the "books of the year" by The Economist Against Excess: Drug Policy for Results (Basic, 1993) Marijuana: Costs of Abuse, Costs of Control (Greenwood, 1989) UCLA Homepage Curriculum Vitae Contact:

4 thoughts on “My House, my rules”

  1. Re 3. There's a Heinlein novel in which the alien BEMs are parasitic slug-like creatures that attach themselves to the backs of human hosts and control their minds. The US Congress adopts a topless (or in the case of women backless) policy.

    1. Heinlein was an optimist. He thought such creatures would have to come from outer space.

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