Kleiman invades Ukraine

The BBC blows my cover: I’m actually a Russian special forces goon in Ukraine.

Some readers have been puzzled about my uncanny ability to guess at Russian behavior in Ukraine. Actually, the algorithm in predicting actions by the Kremlin is simple: just assume the worst you can imagine, and you’ll be slightly too optimistic.

But in this case I have to confess that it wasn’t my brilliance alone that allowed me to spot the trends. In fact, I’ve been leading a double life: disguised as a mild-mannered (well, sometimes mild-mannered) policy analyst and teacher, in secret I’m actually one of the Russian special forces soldiers pretending to be Ukrainian “protesters,” so I’ve always been privy to what was really going down.

Now that the BBC has blown my cover there’s no longer any point in pretending.

kleiman the cossack

We will bury you.

No, seriously. That is, the post is a joke, but the photo is genuine. My assistant Samuel Hampsher spotted it. Other than the nose, which is just slightly too bulbous, this could be my twin brother. The eyes, the eyebrows, the beard, even the scowl: it’s all just about perfect. Alas, the Beeb didn’t bother to get the thug’s name, so I won’t be able to catch up on family matters, such as what his great-grandfather must have done to my great-grandmother during one of the pogroms.

Author: Mark Kleiman

Professor of Public Policy at the NYU Marron Institute for Urban Management and editor of the Journal of Drug Policy Analysis. Teaches about the methods of policy analysis about drug abuse control and crime control policy, working out the implications of two principles: that swift and certain sanctions don't have to be severe to be effective, and that well-designed threats usually don't have to be carried out. Books: Drugs and Drug Policy: What Everyone Needs to Know (with Jonathan Caulkins and Angela Hawken) When Brute Force Fails: How to Have Less Crime and Less Punishment (Princeton, 2009; named one of the "books of the year" by The Economist Against Excess: Drug Policy for Results (Basic, 1993) Marijuana: Costs of Abuse, Costs of Control (Greenwood, 1989) UCLA Homepage Curriculum Vitae Contact: Markarkleiman-at-gmail.com

5 thoughts on “Kleiman invades Ukraine”

  1. I imagine him saying: "Less harmful than alcohol isn't the same thing as harmless!"

Comments are closed.