Don’t eat a sardine sandwich and chocolate chip cookies in the evening. Last night, I did that, and dreamed someone snuck up to the bed and put a tinfoil hat on my head while I was asleep. Then I dreamed that I had the following dream:
January 5, 2007
My fellow Americans:
As I speak to you today, US aircraft are striking multiple targets in Iran with nuclear weapons . For almost a year, I’ve been hoping this would not be necessary, but the election results, and the poll numbers I ignore, indicate that my country needs its decider to silence discontent and correct widespread wrong thinking. At this time I want to explain the five reasons why I’m taking this historic step, but first, rest assured that our targeting plan carefully spares the key oil fields so important to our way of life. Now, why Iran, why nuclear, and why now?
(1) Uniquely in the history of our country, a presidential administration is approaching the three-quarter point of its term without a single success, except the first month or so of the previous war. Now the Iraq enterprise has failed; our dealings with North Korea are a wreck; New Orleans is still a sinkhole of dodgy levees, incompetence and corruption; I got nowhere with Social Security; governments around the world diss us; my friend Tony Blair is sinking like a rock; and my people are being indicted and losing elections. The Coast Guard can’t even buy a boat that floats . Can you imagine what Christmas was like, with my father and my brother? I have decided to have a success, and this is the only thing that’s worked for me.
(2) My victory in Iraq has been delayed interminably by defeatism and a treacherous failure of so-called “realities” to conform to my expectations. I spent the last eight weeks trying to find someone who will tell me how to reverse time and facts and fix it, surely the least a grateful nation owes its leader. Dick was shooting grouse when I called. I owe it to you, my fellow Americans, not to leave office without a splendid victory, and a victory by nuclear incineration is one that can’t be undone by years of occupation trivia and ungrateful liberated people.
You elected me to be a decider and to know things, not to be a manager and to be learning things: I know Iran is evil and I’ve decided to smash it, and I can assure you that you will not see malcontents and troublemakers poking around in the radioactive ruins this time and “showing” that they didn’t have nuclear weapons. I know they have them, I know they are evil and likely to use them, and this time the question will stay settled.
(3) The Air Force is our Christian military arm, and its underemployment in Iraq, Afghanistan, New Orleans, Congress, and all the other places we have been frustrated explains why our progress against evil on these fronts has been slow. This glorious branch has the militant faith that assures God’s assistance against heathens, and the technology to settle scores at one irreversible stroke that doesn’t put body bags and American widows on the evening news. You know the expression “God is my copilot”? Air force officers understand the command hierarchy in a cockpit, and God will do His duty. And good Christian Air Force officers have the discipline to obey my orders without the quibbling and long complicated memos that have forced me to cashier so many star ranks in the other services. They load up the planes, form a circle under the wing to pray, take off, and…mission accomplished. The Navy offered to sneak up and fire missiles from submarines, but heck, angels don’t swim, they fly, right?
(4) We expect the surviving Iranians to respond, in alliance with the Iraqi Shi’a, by cutting the supply lines from Basra and Kuwait, trapping about 140,000 soldiers and marines in Iraq without fuel or supplies. This is too bad, but they should have carried out their war the way Rummy told them to and not whined about body armor and troop strength and hearts and minds.The ground forces in Iraq have given enemy propagandists a constant stream of disheartening deaths and casualties while losing expensive stuff that just keeps getting blown up and shot full of holes. Fortunately the loss of these forces will be of little consequence now that our core foreign policy is overwhelming nuclear attack. The Iraq expedition henceforth will be a footnote in a larger war: who remembers Gallipoli, or Gordon at Khartoum?
(5) As you know, I’ll the next-to-the-last person on earth, just before Jimmy Inhofe , to believe burning fossil fuel is warming the planet. Still, in case there’s anything to it, I’m assured that the debris blown into the stratosphere by our nuclear weapons will cool things off enough that we will be happy to burn all the oil and coal we can for years to come. We can protect my historical legacy, our environment, Exxon, and our American way of life all at the same time.
Dick has some decisions for me to make, and there’s a prayer meeting to give thanks at, so I will not take any questions at this time.