Forget football; education’s $alvation is glamour

Certain of my colleagues are taking advantage of the current financial crisis of the university by asking whether a big-time competitive athletic program is really central to our educational and research mission.  These people are at best quibblers and whiners, at worst unpatriotic, unAmerican subversive agents (indeed, I know one of them to be an actual, card-carrying, real live foreigner from a real foreign country where football is played entirely wrong (too many players, field too big, downs too few…yes you, pal, you know who you are)…but I digress), possibly Stanford graduates we hired carelessly who are now boring from within.  They are completely wrong, not to mention dangerous, and I refute them thus:

Bear Bodies Modeling Agency

The Division of Intercollegiate Aesthetics invites photographers, designers, event promoters and others to hire the attractive young scholar-models represented by the BBMA for Bay Area and out-of-town engagements.  These young people are available below commercially competitive rates and hours. See face and figure shots at our web site.

How are we able to to do this?  Easy;  we don’t pay property taxes, and we don’t pay them!  The scholar-models have beauty scholarships, dedicated, exclusive tutoring, passes to miss course meetings for shoots and gigs, and access to the new campus High Performance Conditioner, Shampoo, and Makeover Center.  (Many of them actually graduate from Cal and a few get real jobs in the fashion industry.) On campus, they live in the exclusive Model Dorm isolated from distracting interactions with students who are average looking or actually unattractive. However, the cost of all these perks is way less than going hourly rates for top models, and the university gets to keep the vig.

The BBMA is proud to serve Berkeley by advancing excellence of all kinds, especially the kind that USA Today readers understand, and all Cal faculty and students benefit by seeing these beautiful people in person, walking and being driven in our fleet of town cars from makeup to hair to skin training to exercise, in enormous billboard-sized photos on the side of campus buildings, and making the campus a better place to be. And the alumni association magazine, California, no longer has to put balding, paunchy, faculty, or athletes (who are – lets face it – not at their best in head shots), on its cover.  Best of all, the BBMA is a one-shot Title IX compliance mechanism, as the women are much more in demand than the men.

Wealthy donors to the DIA, including some actual alumni of Cal, are welcomed at exclusive events with the scholar-models, where our latest innovations like the completely organic biofuel powered model-out-of-cake act, and the first carbon-fiber dance pole, are presented. Revenues from our line of licensed skin care products and diet pills, every one bearing the Cal logo, are increasing 10% per year.

Miss Pipewrench
Miss Pipewrench

BBMA and the DIA: proud partners in Berkeley excellence and reputation. Two Miss Universe runners-up in the last three years, a national Mr. Hunk honorable mention, and Miss Ridgid Pipewrench last year was our own Olivia Wilkinson (screensavers and posters for sale on the web site).  Nobel, schmobel, this is how Cal really gets on the map!

Author: Michael O'Hare

Professor of Public Policy at the Goldman School of Public Policy, University of California, Berkeley, Michael O'Hare was raised in New York City and trained at Harvard as an architect and structural engineer. Diverted from an honest career designing buildings by the offer of a job in which he could think about anything he wanted to and spend his time with very smart and curious young people, he fell among economists and such like, and continues to benefit from their generosity with on-the-job social science training. He has followed the process and principles of design into "nonphysical environments" such as production processes in organizations, regulation, and information management and published a variety of research in environmental policy, government policy towards the arts, and management, with special interests in energy, facility siting, information and perceptions in public choice and work environments, and policy design. His current research is focused on transportation biofuels and their effects on global land use, food security, and international trade; regulatory policy in the face of scientific uncertainty; and, after a three-decade hiatus, on NIMBY conflicts afflicting high speed rail right-of-way and nuclear waste disposal sites. He is also a regular writer on pedagogy, especially teaching in professional education, and co-edited the "Curriculum and Case Notes" section of the Journal of Policy Analysis and Management. Between faculty appointments at the MIT Department of Urban Studies and Planning and the John F. Kennedy School of Government at Harvard, he was director of policy analysis at the Massachusetts Executive Office of Environmental Affairs. He has had visiting appointments at Università Bocconi in Milan and the National University of Singapore and teaches regularly in the Goldman School's executive (mid-career) programs. At GSPP, O'Hare has taught a studio course in Program and Policy Design, Arts and Cultural Policy, Public Management, the pedagogy course for graduate student instructors, Quantitative Methods, Environmental Policy, and the introduction to public policy for its undergraduate minor, which he supervises. Generally, he considers himself the school's resident expert in any subject in which there is no such thing as real expertise (a recent project concerned the governance and design of California county fairs), but is secure in the distinction of being the only faculty member with a metal lathe in his basement and a 4×5 Ebony view camera. At the moment, he would rather be making something with his hands than writing this blurb.

4 thoughts on “Forget football; education’s $alvation is glamour”

  1. Before I answer this question, yes I am aware that there are those that abuse it just like anything else including medicines and suing in courts…

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