Some readers have been puzzled about my uncanny ability to guess at Russian behavior in Ukraine. Actually, the algorithm in predicting actions by the Kremlin is simple: just assume the worst you can imagine, and you’ll be slightly too optimistic.
But in this case I have to confess that it wasn’t my brilliance alone that allowed me to spot the trends. In fact, I’ve been leading a double life: disguised as a mild-mannered (well, sometimes mild-mannered) policy analyst and teacher, in secret I’m actually one of the Russian special forces soldiers pretending to be Ukrainian “protesters,” so I’ve always been privy to what was really going down.
Now that the BBC has blown my cover there’s no longer any point in pretending.
We will bury you.
No, seriously. That is, the post is a joke, but the photo is genuine. My assistant Samuel Hampsher spotted it. Other than the nose, which is just slightly too bulbous, this could be my twin brother. The eyes, the eyebrows, the beard, even the scowl: it’s all just about perfect. Alas, the Beeb didn’t bother to get the thug’s name, so I won’t be able to catch up on family matters, such as what his great-grandfather must have done to my great-grandmother during one of the pogroms.