David Brooks sentences Mitt Romney

Among human beings, the judge whose words seal the fate of a man furthest into eternity is not he who merely pronounces the verdict of the law, but he, whoever he may be, who, from a love of truth, and unprejudiced by any custom or enactment of men, utters a true opinion or sentence concerning him. He it is that sentences him.” – Thoreau. Brooks just give Mitt triple Life Without Parole.

A little-known provision of David Brooks’s contract with the New York Times allows him to take one day a year off from comforting the comfortable to write the sort of stuff Bobos in Paradise shows he is/was capable of.

Brooks seems to have decided that today was the day.

Thoreau once said:

Among human beings, the judge whose words seal the fate of a man furthest into eternity is not he who merely pronounces the verdict of the law, but he, whoever he may be, who, from a love of truth, and unprejudiced by any custom or enactment of men, utters a true opinion or sentence concerning him. He it is that sentences him.

By that standard, Brooks gave Romney a triple Life Without Parole:

Romney was a precocious and gifted child. He uttered his first words (“I like to fire people”) at age 14 months, made his first gaffe at 15 months and purchased his first nursery school at 24 months. The school, highly leveraged, went under, but Romney made 24 million Jujubes on the deal.

***

After streamlining his wife’s pregnancies down to six months each, Mitt helped Ann raise five perfect sons — Bip, Chip, Rip, Skip and Dip — who married identically tanned wives.

***

If elected, he promises to bring all Americans together and make them feel inferior.

You needn’t read the whole thing, unless you happen to need a good, long, nasty laugh at the expense of a man who hasn’t been laughed at nearly enough in his overprivileged life.

Author: Mark Kleiman

Professor of Public Policy at the NYU Marron Institute for Urban Management and editor of the Journal of Drug Policy Analysis. Teaches about the methods of policy analysis about drug abuse control and crime control policy, working out the implications of two principles: that swift and certain sanctions don't have to be severe to be effective, and that well-designed threats usually don't have to be carried out. Books: Drugs and Drug Policy: What Everyone Needs to Know (with Jonathan Caulkins and Angela Hawken) When Brute Force Fails: How to Have Less Crime and Less Punishment (Princeton, 2009; named one of the "books of the year" by The Economist Against Excess: Drug Policy for Results (Basic, 1993) Marijuana: Costs of Abuse, Costs of Control (Greenwood, 1989) UCLA Homepage Curriculum Vitae Contact: Markarkleiman-at-gmail.com

10 thoughts on “David Brooks sentences Mitt Romney”

  1. I wonder whether this is the set-up for the even nastier Life of Obama that I am sure Brooks is itching to write.

  2. My take is that Brooks is making fun of Romney’s critics by twisting some of their criticisms into absurdities. I think the comfortable will somehow find that very comforting. So he still has a chance to exercise that day-off option.

    1. I’m with you. A friend asked me what mitt had done to piss off Bobo. I replied that this was just another deep wet kiss from Bobo in the kneeling position; if you think this hurts RMoney, you’ve got to be kidding yourself. This is the most human that the Rombot has ever seemed to be, and the few uncommitted voters are going to go away from having read it thinking that anyone who gets a ribbing like that is probably an ok guy after all.

  3. Alternate explanation (though likely too early): he’s decided that Romney’s going to lose.

    It takes a LOT to get me to read a Brooks column. I can’t think of another writer who I find more intellectually dishonest. That said, “He developed a lifelong concern for the second homeless”, “After his mission, he attended Harvard, studying business, law, classics and philosophy, though intellectually his first love was always tax avoidance”, and “He barely won the 2012 Republican primaries after a grueling nine-month campaign, running unopposed” are absolutely inspired. Thank you for persuading me to read this one.

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