Responding to the desperate pleas of the House Republican Caucus, seeing clearly my patriotic duty, in the spirit of bipartisanship, after prayerful consideration and consultation with my family, and with great reluctance and a profound sense of my own unworthiness, I have decided to accept the Speakership.
Any new Speaker will want to make new rules, designed to rescue the House from the nearly universal contempt into which it has been brought since January 2011.
So here they are:1. Every Member seeking recognition to speak shall first put on a clown nose. 2. To enable longer “District Work Periods,” the House shall not be in session except on weekends. 3. In the interests of transparency, members of the majority party shall remain naked at all times. 4. In any speech supporting the use of torture, each sentence must end with the word “Clarisse.” 5. No Member who has not been sterilized shall offer a bill restricting access to birth control. 6. Citizens visiting the House Galleries retain their Constitutional right to keep and bear arms. 7. Majority-party members of committees probing phony scandals shall wear the Lidless Eye of Mordor. 8. No Member currently in an adulterous relationship shall also abuse alcohol or other drugs, or take bribes. 9. Any speech citing the Bible or claiming its authority must do so in the original Greek or Hebrew.
Footnote Of course, every movement needs a hashtag. This movement has two: