Some jobs are challenging, and some are so hard it’s a wonder anyone can be found to take them on. Ambassador from Pakistan to anywhere, for example. At the moment, the US slot is held by Sherry Rehman, and representing her country in a positive way to anyone not clinically insane has just become even more daunting. She needs all the help she can get, so I respectfully offer a draft of short remarks she might wish to make at her next official appearances:
My dear American friends,
As you know, Pakistan is officially a Moslem country. This means we are committed to the authority and inerrant guidance of the prophet Mohammed, just as Christians adhere to Jesus and Jews to Abraham and Moses. You also need to know that while many of other faiths trust their prophets’ teachings to stand on their own, indeed to gain strength through examination, we in Pakistan regard the lessons of Mohammed as being uniquely unpersuasive and unconvincing, liable to shatter on impact with the slightest challenge, debate, examination, or disrespect. The authority of our prophet is, in our view, so delicate that we search out and kill anyone who confronts our faith with doubt of any kind, and to be sure we err on the right side, we not only empower but oblige every citizen to set our police and courts on anyone he wishes slain. What looks to unbelievers like savagery is actually a glorious enterprise that fortifies our beliefs with a wall of corpses and a moat of blood. As you are aware, I have been identified as a blasphemer by this process, and as there’s a good chance I will be put to death before I’m able to further explain the particularly holy and excellent nature of our judicial system and the rightness of our faith, I wanted to take this occasion to let Americans see why my government is implementing the best of our culture. Thank you for your kind attention and for the chance to further build understanding and trust between our great nations. Allahu Akbar.
Now we should all recite together, “Everyone’s culture is just as good as anyone else’s culture, and in every way.”