I was walking through Grant Park, when an angel approached me in the form of a police horse. He tapped me on the shoulder and simply stated, “God wants to release a short statement on RBC tonight.”
Flustered by the request, I wasn’t sure what to say. “Why me? Why RBC? Have you asked Mark?” To tell you the truth, I wasn’t sure Kleiman would really want God blogging on the site.
“The boss wants you. He’s decided not to speak through guys with gray beards anymore. He’s had some problems with that. And Keith Humphreys isn’t answering his cellphone. Whatever you do, make up your mind. I feel pretty stupid as a police horse. Next week, I’m sticking to appearing as doves.”
I said “okay.” Sure enough, within minutes, a neatly formatted text from God appeared on my smartphone. He somehow figured a way to exceed the maximum number of characters. After making some mild corrections, I posted God’s message below:
Dear Governor Perry,
I hereby request that you cancel your prayer meeting scheduled for tomorrow. There’s just too much nonsense likely to be spoken among the featured speakers. All that stuff condemning gay marriage—not from me—is killing me in the under-40 demographic. Someone prayed to me an item about other proposed speakers at your event. Are you sure that lady wasn’t joking when she said I killed some blackbirds because of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell? That’s just weird. Actually that was some microbial thing. I’ve never opposed the minimum wage. The only thing they got right concerns those tacky mixed fabrics that got banned in Leviticus.
Governor Perry, I’m sorry to make this request online. I tried to send a more private warning. Every time my name came up, you prayed so loud that I couldn’t fit a word in edgewise.
What do I know? I’m only God. If you ask me, I’d recommend that you cancel this questionable event, Both you and the nation would benefit from a period of your silent reflection.