Why are you even thinking about the election, or global warming, or Georgia, or the Olympics, when this complete-in-every-way story has broken?
What more could you possibly want? Perhaps the entire future of journalism has been upstaged once and for all:
Unrequited love
Maybe requited love
Cold case
Cloning
Sex slavery
Role reversal (he’s the slave!)
Abduction
Decades pass…and then…
£25,000
Beauty queen
Mormons
Topless posing
Drugs
Americans behaving badly
Brits behaving non-plussed
Pit bull (behaving properly, but she could have chewed someone’s arm off, if she wanted to)
On the lam
International flight
Mental illness
Concealed identity
…but that’s not all, because if you click right now, you also get, absolutely free (better than steak knives!) [almost] a half-dozen:
Puppies!